Cody Updates by Mom

It’s 5a.m. and I have been laying in bed for about an hour not sleeping and my mind running 150 miles an hour.  I even took something about 1:30a.m. to help me sleep.  At least I got a good three and a half hours.

It’s really hard to stop the mind.  What do you do?  I cannot convince it that this is only a bad dream that I will wake up from.  I cannot sleep on my sides due to the surgery so I am sore from sleeping on my back.  When I try to forget about what today is then I started concentrating on the pain.  Neither was a good option so I am writing, quietly as to not wake Jim.  He needs his strength today too.

I am scared.  There are so many unknowns to today.  How will my body react to the two different drugs they are putting into my system?  Will I be nauseous? Will it hurt?  They say it might burn but if it does we have to let them know right away?  Will I get sores in my mouth where I cannot eat?  Can I keep myself away from infections for 12 weeks.  And most immediate, how will we consume the four hours of receiving the treatment through IV?  Add to that the visit with my oncologist, blood draws to ensure I am healthy enough to get the chemo and the waiting in between all of that.  Not that I do not think Regions is a fantastic hospital, I do, but I do not really want to spend six hours there.

I am angry.  This has messed up our lives.  Jim’s birthday was yesterday.  It was a good day but shadowed by the treatment.  Our wedding anniversary is next Monday.  Cody’s birthday is in May.  Cody’s state tournament for Robotics is in May.  Alex gets done with school in May and moves into her new house on campus in June.  All of this should be happy times and this stupid cancer had to go and cast such a crappy light over this time.  We have gigs all summer, I want and need to be there for my soul but will the chemo stop that too?

I am humbled.  The amount of love, care and support I have been blessed with by my family, friends and coworkers still brings me to tears.  That people that have never met me are praying for me is truly amazing.  But the most humbling piece is remembering.  I felt helpless like this before.  Actually before was worse.  I remember sitting in a wheelchair just after having Cody in the hospital.  We were in the NICU (Neonatal ICU) looking at this 1 pound, 11 ounce boy with a tube to breath, IV’s, monitors, cords and all sort of stuff hanging off of him.  He was there because my body couldn’t carry a pregnancy. He was there because of me.  I couldn’t touch him, hold him or even do anything for him but pray.  That little man had a less than 5% chance to live.  He was fighting for his life and didn’t even know.  He fought with all his being to stay here.  Next month he turns 16.  Wow!  He is big and tall, strong and smart, caring and has such a good heart.  We had to have faith and I am trying to lean on that now.

I have my moments of being annoyed at God.  Why me?  Why now?  What do He think I am made of, Titanium?  Things were going good at work.  I had just hired someone and was in the process of getting her trained in and set.  My team was excelling and doing a good job.  I was learning so much about being a manager and really enjoying it.  And now it has stopped.  Being on short term disability I cannot even now what is going on, how things are going and give advice.  That is hard sometimes.  It’s not really in me to sit back and focus on me.  Is that why?  My dear friend Dana has a lot going on right now too and we are thinking that God is giving us a message to slow down.  Ok, got it.  You can stop with the lessons now.

Well, the alarm is set to go off in an hour to get Cody to school.  Luckily he has a test to finish so I will be able to hug him and tell him that I love him before this day starts.  Make sure he knows that I will be okay.  Then I will come back and get ready for a long day.  At least I will have Jim by my side the whole day.  I am certain I will drive him batty but what’s a girl to do if not to bug her other half.

I will try to let everyone know how it goes later.  I cannot guarantee today because I have no idea how I will feel.

Thank you again for your posts of encouragement and support.  They really do help.  Let’s see if I can get another hour of sleep. 🙂

Caring Bridge Comments

Joan Axdal, Prayer Chain, All Saints Lutheran Church, Cottage Grove|Apr 28, 2014 7:37pm
Mel, the Prayer Chain is supporting you through your treatments and recoveries.
Personally, I am awed by the quality of your writing. Even when you are scared, you are eloquent.