Cody Updates by Mom

Tomorrow morning we go to the radiation clinic to talk with my new doctor friend to see if I will need to have radiation.  It is a big question that we are looking forward to finally getting answered.  This will help me to plan out how the rest of the year will go.

As I have gone through this entire process there have been some very specific “gut feeling” moments about most of the results.

• Biopsy – when I went in to get my initial biopsy and 3d mammogram I knew in my gut that I had cancer.  I will still hopeful that it wasn’t cancer and sad when I was told it was, but I knew.  I am not sure if it was my system somehow knowing that it was already trying to fight a battle and needed help or just my intuition.  I just knew it was the time.
• MRI – I asked for the MRI to help me decide on whether I was going to only have the tumor removed or have the double mastectomy.  Prior to having the MRI I knew that there was going to be something there on the right as well.  I knew what my path for surgery was going to be deep down.  I just needed help to make the decision final.
• Chemo – Even before having surgery and not having the question answered about chemo, I knew I was going to be walking this path.  In my gut I knew it was my time to be challenged and possibly even tested for my internal strength.  When the oncologist asked how I felt about finding out that he was suggesting chemo, I told him that I knew this was the path.  I was at least pleasantly surprised that the amount of sessions was shorter than anticipated.

So, here’s the kicker.  I don’t know about radiation.  I have no gut feel on whether I will have it or not.  I haven’t since all of this started.  I have been thinking through my process of both situations as I have gotten closer to the day and still have no feeling of whether it will be a yes or no.  Maybe it is a good sign and maybe it is just that the chemo has worn out my gut so much that it isn’t working right.  Trust me, my gut has not been a happy camper so this could truly be the answer.  I just don’t know.  It is a weird feeling.

Anyway, my days have been getting better.  The finger nails are not hurting quite as much after I cut them a bit shorter.  I have had a little pain in my toe nails but not nearly as bad.  My eyes are watering a lot, which they told me about and my vision is still pretty bad from a reading standpoint.  The antibiotics are doing their normal tricks with their side effects which is not unexpected.  I got a bit of a cold that has been hanging on for a week or so but it is not too bad.  Maybe at least the antibiotics might be helping that too.

The biggest struggle I am having is my mood.  I talked to the oncologist about this when I saw him last and he said that this is a normal stage.  He said that I can see the light at the end of the tunnel and I want to get to the end so very bad however I am still wading in the mud of chemo.  I do feel that I am wading through mud.

The other hard part is that to a lot of people everything seems good.  I look normal, act normal at work, can get around, drive and do the daily things I would normally do.  I just do them while still having the chemo in my system destroying my cells and messing with my insides.  I feel it there every day.  It doesn’t have to be causing a bad side effect for me to feel that my body is struggling with the drugs in it.  I feel my body fighting to stay healthy in the face of my immune system being challenged.  Its always there, just under the surface.

I know that getting done with chemo is a huge step.  I am happy that I am almost done with it.  However, I am a realist and know that the future still has a very long road.  The road I am on will not only last for this year but at least the next five while I take the drug to force me into menopause.  The road also has some long term side effects.  I have not yet shared this but I do have some increased risks for fairly big things for the future.  Because of how the chemo effects my eyes I will very likely have cataracts in the future.  I will need to go to the eye doctor periodically and will have to watch for symptoms.  This is a pretty simple procedure now so it is not a huge deal but something that will need to be dealt with.  Then, because of the chemo breaking down my blood cells I have a chance of getting Leukemia in the future.  It is not a huge chance but it is there.  They did say that what I would potentially get is fully curable and they will test me for it regularly so not to worry about it.  Not quite sure yet how I get to the “not to worry about it” stage but I am thinking that it will come.  Right?

This third round has not had as many side effects as the first but has impacted me more emotionally than either of the first two.  I strive to find a balance that is not yet within my reach.  Maybe being unbalanced is my test.  Can I still stand when the wobbling gets tough?  Guess we will all find out.  I still have hope that tomorrow will be a better and brighter day.

Caring Bridge Comments

Lorelie|Jun 25, 2014 11:24am
I’m praying that the decision about radiation is a no, but if it does need to be done, I know you’ll handle it with the same style and determination you’ve handled the rest of your journey thus far. You are SO strong and smart about this big challenge. I know you’ll come thru with flying colors!