Cody Updates by Mom

I hope that everyone had a safe and fun independence weekend.  We did not go far from home with the side effects that I have had this time.  The stomach issues have been more prevalent this time around.  I am taking my meds but it seems that the issues have been amplified this week.  It is truly amazing to me how a stomach problem can be so completely debilitating and not allow you to do much of anything.  I keep thinking that it will be better tomorrow (because history would tell me that it will) but it has not been the case this time.  I know that all these side effects are cumulative but I was hoping that maybe they were wrong.  Silly me.

The fatigue has been pretty bad too.  I have been able to go and do a few things but typically it has to be at a slow pace or somewhere that I can stop and sit down for a while.  I have been sleeping quite a bit this week and have not been able to do as much.  I am trying to listen more to my body and rest when I should but it has been hard and I have been pushing it a bit too much.  I have been reminded lately that I am not superwoman and do not need to do as much as I think I should.  However, today has been a bit better for the fatigue.  I am hopeful that it is on the upswing.

The newest thing is how my nails are dying at a much faster rate than before.  They are looking pretty bad now and I am very hopeful that since this is my last go-around that they will not completely die.  I guess I will find out in a couple weeks.  They are starting to hurt again and I am thinking that next week will be an interesting week of pain on the top of my fingers and numbness on the bottom.  I know last time was so much fun.

I have been thinking a lot about independence this weekend.  Those of you that know me will know that I am a fairly independent person.  This experience has forced me to rely on other people, ask for help (which is very hard for me) and allow myself to feel completely helpless at times.  As I have thought about the holiday this week I realized that in my own small way I am fighting for my independence from cancer and quite honestly the drugs that are killing the cancer.  It is nothing compared to the fight that of those that this holiday is meant for but the thought helped me to focus.  Being told that I have cancer was heartbreaking and life changing.   Living through the cure has been as well.

To me, cancer is a kind of prison.  It is one of those horrible places that no one wants to have touch their lives but yet seems to seep into each of our lives in some way, shape or form.   Some of our loved ones never got to get free of the cancer prison here on earth but have in heaven and watch over us from there.  Somewhere along the line hope found me and has given me another chance.  Everything I am going through is to allow me to have independence from this disease.  All of the pain, discomfort, depression and anxiety has been to prove that it cannot always win.

I also have found myself fighting for my independence from the side effects of the medicines that are giving me a chance.  It is hard not to think of chemo or the other meds as the enemy.  They are raging through my system killing the good and the bad.  I know why and I agree its the right path but its hard.

I want my independence back.  I want to eat whatever I want, I want to have an ice cold beer on a beautiful summer night, I want to feel that I can be useful all the time and I want to not have to hide my head.  But, in the end.  I really don’t want all of that.  I want to not have this cancer return, I want to see my kids succeed at life in their own unique ways, I want to live knowing I squashed cancer to less than an 8% chance of returning, and I want to show that hope always goes on.  I will take my battle scars with as much grace and gratitude that I can for today God has given me the chance to be.  For that, I am eternally blessed.

Caring Bridge Comments

Lorelie|Jul 7, 2014 5:03pm
You are an amazing lady! Keep up the good fight. Hugs!