Cody Updates by Mom

Over the last few months I have had people comment how strong they think I have been throughout all of this.  This has caused me to spend a significant amount of time thinking about strength and where it comes from.  I really don’t have any answers but thought I would share with you my thoughts.

In trying to determine where strength comes from I had to think about what would my journey have looked like if I had taken a different approach.  Because I am me, it is a little hard to imagine a different path.  Probably the most common alternative reaction could be to simply give up.  Cancer is a scary word and I can believe that faced with something that so many people have died from could be completely overwhelming.  I know at times I felt overwhelmed and very alone even with those that love me around me.  As I think about those times there were moments that I know I could have been lost in the self pity of the situation.  People around me may have even been understanding of it.  In the end it wasn’t an option.  I had a life to live and sick or not, I was going to live it.

I think that part of strength comes from other feelings.  I have talked about hope in the past and it played a large role in my ability to keep moving forward down my path.  I also believe that fear played a pretty big role in my ability to keep going.  I was afraid of getting so sick that I couldn’t be me anymore.  I was afraid that if I let my guard down, even a little, that I would give up.  I was afraid of how my cancer was going to impact those around me.  I was afraid of letting my son see that cancer could win.  I was afraid of cancer.  When fear seemed to be taking over I let myself get mad.  Somewhere deep down I was able to change the internal question of “why me” to a statement “not me”.  I used that anger to feed a resolve that allowed me to pick myself up and face my fears.  As the anger beat the fear out of me, I sought out hope and it lit my way.  Add a little bit of stubbornness, a lot of attitude and a support system beyond compare and I was able to make it through this process.

What is strength?  I honestly do not know.  I know that I see others that I think are strong.  They seem unmovable in their determination.  They seem unfazed by the downs.  In the words of a friend quoting her daughter, “I had my pity parties, I just didn’t invite anyone.”  Yep, they happened, they were needed and were completely draining.  Once I let it out, I was able to step away from it and move on.  Sometimes being strong is knowing when you need to be weak.

Well, I know I am not necessarily any closer to knowing how to explain strength.  I can’t tell you if I am strong for the path I walked.  I know at times I was reminded that I wasn’t superwoman and couldn’t do everything while the chemo or radiation was killing my insides.  There were times that I needed a reminder to simply just stop and rest.  That I was being too strong and needed to let myself heal.  I think there is something to be said for being strong enough to heal properly.

On a side note, I really was hoping that having so many different radioactive substances and beams put into my body that I would have gotten some cool super powers.  I am hoping they are just in the development stage and will appear in the near future.  Hey, a girls gotta have hope, right?

Caring Bridge Comments

Love and prayers..from mom|Sep 15, 2014 9:12am
That was an awesome post my dear. Right now you are my hero. You are right about hope. Let me know if you get some of those super powers I could use a few of those myself. I love you!