Cody Updates by Mom

I will start this post with a warning that what you read here is in no way an uplifting story and will not have any of the normal humor.  I am emotionally raw and what you are about to read is what needs to be purged from my system so I can continue to be strong for my son.

Cancer treatments are nothing.  I would take any chemo, radiation or any “treatment” you want to unleash on my body if only I could erase what has happened in the last day and a half.  My cancer journey was a walk in the park comparatively.  I would take ten more years of chemo daily if only I could take away his pain.  I cannot, so I feel more pain than any type of surgery or radiation burn could bring, I am lower than any chemo sickness could cause and I am truly helpless in this fight.

Yesterday I had the experience that no parent ever wants to have.  I held my son, as tears streamed down our faces, listening to the medical examiner tell us that his father was gone.  I felt his heart breaking beneath me as I tried to absorb the pain from him.  I held tighter.  It did not work.  The pain, as deep as any wound could be, was still there.  Nothing I could do, say or pray would make this moment any better.  After the shock, we went into the house and my son stood in the home that his dad and him had lived in since he was born and cried.  HIs father was gone.

The Sherriff had asked that I contact his dad’s mom to ensure that the police were able to get to the house.  Unfortunately, they had not.  The sound of a mother’s sobs when she hears that her son has died is something that I will never forget and quite honestly hope to never have to experience again.  I have spent the last 30some hours ruining peoples day with the news.  It is an exhausting and completely emotionally draining process.

In the end, I am trying to corner that determination to give me strength.  I may not be able to take away the pain my child is feeling but I will do everything in power to help him heal.  I will stand by him through each phase as he works through the grief.  I will protect him when I can, hold him tight as he cries, pick him up when he reaches rock bottom and will my strength into him if possible.  From this moment on God give me the strength to be the solid rock on which my son can lean.

Caring Bridge Comments

Joan Axdal, Prayer Chain, All Saints Lutheran Church, Cottage Grove|Sep 22, 2014 7:39pm
I am so sorry that Cody, you, and all who knew Brett have the pain of this loss. You remain in my prayers.