Cody Updates by Mom

First of all, I would like to apologize if my last journal entry made you sad or uncomfortable.  I very much appreciate the support that I have received and am thankful for all of you.  Writing is my therapy and its how I cope.  That entry gave me a way to deal with my feelings so I could keep myself emotionally strong for Cody.

Everything that has gone on these last 11 days has made me think about how our experiences change us.  I know that I am still in the process of changing from all of these experiences but I cannot help but try to pinpoint some of them.

The most noticeable change that I see is that when I look in the mirror, I have started to see me.  Not that long ago I would look and see “chemo Mel”.  I felt out of place in my appearance and not me without my hair or a scarf.  It is interesting how something can be so central to your being but yet not really if you can just let go.  For the funeral this last weekend, Cody and I had discussed me not wearing anything on my head.  My hair is growing back and it looked ok.  Surprisingly it wasn’t nearly as hard as I had expected.  What I found was that I was still there even without my red curly hair.  (By the way, it’s not coming in red or curly.)  Since Saturday I have worn just my current natural hair for most of the time.  I still have my fun wigs and am going to randomly have long hair as a nice option.  I am, however, very okay with the shorter hair.  That’s a change that I did not see coming.

Over this tragedy I have seen my son grow up beyond what should be required at his age.  He is learning about how to deal with his own grief and trying to figure out the new normal.  So many peoples lives have been changed in an instant.  I am so proud of all of the decisions that he made and the absolute perfect way that he helped send his father’s spirit to heaven.  It may be a while but someday he will look back and be happy of the good memories that have come out of this week.

Probably the biggest change internally is seeing what is really important.  My cancer was a wake up call to me.  It changed my perception about losing parts of my body.  I thought that I would not feel whole as I lost parts of me with the surgeries.  What I have learned is not only do I feel just a whole as I used to but I feel more.  Maybe not in my physical being but I feel stronger emotionally and mentally.  I feel that my changes have allowed me to see a different more stable me.  I may have lost some things throughout this ordeal but I have gained way more than I have lost.  I have gained an inner confidence that I am who I want to be not what I thought I should be.

So, onto more specifics about recovery.  My skin is about 80% healed from the radiation.  I am not having any more pain and I really do not have much discomfort.  My nails are growing out well and the ribbing that happened is slowly being removed as I trim them.  I am still waiting on some tests to get back and look forward to having my final surgeries next year.

I am truly blessed to have the people in my life that I do.  Family and friends have rallied around my son and that is a truly amazing thing.  Thank you all for your constant prayers and support.  We couldn’t walk this tough journey without all of you walking with us!

Caring Bridge Comments

Lorelie|Sep 26, 2014 10:46am
You are so strong and have helped to instill that strength in Cody. Your writing shows just how strong you are — you’re not ‘missing’ anything! In fact it sounds like you’ve gained a lot during these past months. Keep on keeping strong!