Cody Updates by Mom

As I stand on the edge between 2014 and 2015 I am struck by how truly a different person I am now than I was a mere year ago.  This year has been a year of great struggles, enormous pain and challenges beyond comprehension.  It has also been a year of incredible strength testing, fighting to the core, survival and victory.

I turn back and take a good, hard, long look at this year.  I can see the shades of my former self meet different life changing challenges and how there was no choice but to adapt.  I see the multiple crossroads where a significant decision was made and a new path was formed.  The unchosen paths fade away so you can barely even see them anymore.

As I look back, I am reminded of the multiple times that I felt completely helpless but I see that I was able to endure.  I was able to survive.  I don’t know how but each time I was able to pick myself up (physically, mentally or emotionally) and get back to the fight.  Those fights were as big as dealing with the physical side effects of chemo or as small as forcing myself to get dressed on a particular day.  Sometimes it was those smaller fights that really taught me the value of living instead of just coping.  I really didn’t know that I had that in me and I am still surprised that I am able to continue this fight withthat same resolve and determination.

When I look back I see all of the wonderful faces of all of you, standing with me, beside me, behind me, leading me, holding me up, helping me stand or simply letting me cry.  I have had so many people tell me that they want to do something for me but they don’t know what to do.  Please understand that just being you, in my life, caring and supporting me is truly what I need.  Each time that I was down, up, struggling, laughing, crying or just trying to breathe, you were with me.  It is truly humbling to know that people care about me and are willing to pray for me. I am blessed to have so many wonderful people in my life.

I also see the amazing team of doctors that have walked this journey with me.  They have been blunt but kind, informative but not too wordy and always treating me with a level of care above reproach.  I am so thankful that people continue to want to be in these care giving fields.

I have scars both on the inside and on the outside.  They are now a part of me, part of my journey to the new me, part of my surviving.  I do not look at them with disgust or hatred but of understanding.  Understanding that when you are in the fight of your life, even though you win you will have scars to remind you of the importance of the fight.  Now, I’m not going to name them or anything but they are me, reminding me of how fragile I still am.

I look back and am reminded of the shock we all felt with the death of Cody’s dad.  This reminds me of how fragile all of our lives are.  I am changed as a mother from the enormity of helping my son cope with such a huge loss.  I was saddened but amazed at how much he grew up in such a short period of time.  I am so very thankful of the love that was poured out to him at such a difficult time in his life and the people that surrounded him with their support and prayers. I am heartened by moments like the night our family was all together making sloppy joes for the funeral and seeing my son laugh with his siblings.  Those memories of togetherness will someday be happy memories of this time for him.

Now I am almost looking toward 2015 and the absolute absurdity of my newest situation is still very present.  All of the painful waiting for my genetic results for twelve VERY long weeks to end up getting news of the most surreal kind was a huge shock.  A year ago I had no idea that you could live without a stomach.  The fact that people would willingly make that choice seemed so foreign to me.  That I would be making that same choice is a very weird twist of fate.  Cancer was hard but it was for a finite period of time, this path is a “forever” change.  I have moments of clarity of this decision but they are not constant.  I am hopeful that the clarity will continue to take over the unsure feelings I have about this path. 28 more days and I will be an even newer version of me.

I take look inward and see the person I am now.  Changed. New and old.  Wiser (I hope).  A bit withered at the seams.  Harder and yet softer in spots.  Determined. A bit scared and okay with being scared. Stronger.  Scarred.  More aware of who I am and what is important to me.  When I look in the mirror a new me is looking back.  I am wondering what the 2015 Mel will look like.

So, I stand here, ready to leave 2014 behind and take the next steps into my future.  I carry with me all of the joys and pains that I have felt, the battle scars, the victories of the fights I have won and all of you. I have my titanium armor, boxing gloves, wonder woman bracelets, pink breast cancer kicking boots, a shield with all of your faces telling me I can do it, a minion hat or two and my sarcastic and quite often dry sense of humor.  I am ready for round, um, I forgot which round this is but, nonetheless, I am ready.

It’s time to put 2014 in the flames and happily greet the new year.  I wish you all a wonderful and blessed 2015.