Cody Updates by Mom

Today is my last day of being at home for recovery.  Tomorrow after a doctor appointment in the morning I will be heading back to work.  I am very happy to be finally heading back to the normal routine but am a little tentative about getting back to it.

Over the last few months I have seen a lot of ads, songs and quotes out there that talk about being fearless.  I have even seen this on the breast cancer site and other sites where people are fighting something.  A couple times I have even had people comment to me that I must be fearless.  I understand the sentiment however as I keep seeing this word being used it bugs me a bit.  It’s not that I don’t think people can be fearless but I think that fear is a part of our lives and how we react to it is how we become a victim or a survivor.  I chose to acknowledge my fears and be a survivor.

I am thinking more of this now because I have some fears that I am facing right now.  I fear that going back to work will not be a smooth as I want it to be.  I have six weeks to catch up on not only for my own work but also the work of my team.  Last time I had the excuse of the chemo if I struggled with my brain power.  I don’t have that excuse this time.  Will I be able to jump back in without getting frustrated?  I am also dealing with the fears around eating.  Will I be able to plan my meals and snacks well enough to get the nutrition I need at work?  I need that nutrition to keep my strength and energy up.  Will I be able to last all day without becoming too tired?  What if I have an issue of getting some food stuck at work?  How will I be able to deal with it without people getting too concerned?  Throwing up in a public bathroom is tough enough.  The difference is most of the people don’t know what is going on and do not care even if they suspect.  I know how it affects Jim when I have an issue.  I know it makes him feel helpless as there really isn’t anything that anyone else can do to help.  The thought of having this at work is not a pleasant thought.

So, what do these fears do?  They cause me to be prepared.  They cause me to really think through a day and determine my best options.  It helps me to focus on what is important to me and how to stop those fears from becoming reality.  Today will be spent planning out food to make this transition be one of my accomplishments.

As I have been thinking about this I have been working through this last year and thinking about all of the times that fear was there.  I have a fairly large fear of one word, cancer.  It has helped me focus myself on my will to live not on my fear.  The fear is there.  It is why I made certain decisions.  Chemo & radiation – fear of the cancer coming back.  My latest surgery – fear of stomach cancer stopping me from seeing my future and the future of my kids.  I chose to take control of my situation, accept my fears and not let them have control over my life.

Fear, balanced with hope, a will to live, faith in myself has helped me to get to here.  Here is where I am today, a survivor, I am stronger than I was a year ago, I am changed in ways that I could never express in to words.  I cannot ignore the impact that fear has had on my journey and my ability to keep moving forward.  Fear isn’t something that I want to be without, I just want to be able to manage my reaction to it to allow me to be stronger than the fear.

Quick update.  I am down one more pound so a total of 24.  I have been doing okay with eating and focusing on being creative with food.  I am ready to be done with being at home.  I have been getting a bit stir-crazy the last week or so.  My sleeping has been getting a little off because of the constant “resting” so I will be working to get it back to normal as I am up at normal times.

So, back to work tomorrow.  Going to work on food for the week and making sure I can eat successfully.

Caring Bridge Comments

Love and prayers..from mom|Mar 10, 2015 2:24pm
Yes you are a survivor, and a beautiful one at that, but of course I’m predjuiced. I love you.