Cody Updates by Mom

One year ago today I went to work with a very heavy heart and a worried soul.  I was physically in pain from the biopsy but little did I know but those types of pain would be something that I would get used to over time.  I was scared.  I knew the answer but still prayed that it would somehow be different.  I know that Mel-bot was at work, going through the day with as much fake okayness that I could muster.  That call was coming today after 3:00 and I needed to be distracted.  Luckily my work keeps me distracted most of the day.  I had a fair number of meetings and a good amount of work to keep me busy.  I had one meeting at 1:30 and then after that I was going home.  I didn’t want to hear those words when I was at work.

For some reason Jim and I had a late lunch that day.  I likely didn’t make lunch (not a normal thing back then) so I am thinking we went somewhere and then headed back to the office to eat.  I remember sitting in our usual spot.  It was nice that it was later and there wasn’t anyone else in the lunchroom.  Then my cell phone rang.  It was the doctor of radiology with my results.  No!  I really didn’t want this but I had no choice.  I answered the phone.  I have no idea much of the content of the conversation that took place.  I remember saying “yes, I understand” many times and hanging up.  There were only two words that I was able to remember and they will be forever the words that mark my journey start.  Invasive and carcinoma.  I had cancer.

After hanging up and before I could even speak.  I cried.  With my hands covering my face, I cried.  Somewhere in the midst of the tears I was able to eek out the words to Jim.  He had already figured it out but the words are actually extremely important.  They are earth shattering and life changing and we were just delivered a blow.  However, I had a 1:30 meeting that I felt that shouldn’t wait since I really didn’t know how my life was going to change.  I pulled myself together went to my meeting and then went home.

Home was a different set of things to deal with.  I had to tell my family.  Cody was surprised to see us home before he got home from school.  Him and I sat on the couch and I delivered the news.  I remember assuring him that all was going to be fine.  I could beat this.  There was nothing he needed to worry about.  Cancer was not stronger than me.  It was the mom in me pretending to not be as scared as I was, pretending that I was sure of the future and pretending to be strong.  I didn’t understand that the core protection that caused me to protect my son from the uncertainty of the situation was what would need to be harnessed to fight.

I then spent the rest of the night calling my mom and my siblings.  It was all night as I am the youngest of seven and I wanted to call each family so they didn’t hear it from someone else.  Jim called his kids to help ease the load off of me.  In the end, I was able to get ahold of my family and everyone was aware of the situation.  The next day I would tell my team and other key people at work.

As the days went on, it got easier to say the words “I have cancer.”  As I saw doctors and created a plan the future didn’t seem so completely hopeless.  As I made decisions with the help of my care team I grew stronger.

So, today I wear pink.  Not just because I got an awesome pink jacket I can wear at work, well, that is part of it.  It is more.  I wear it in honor of the year anniversary of the start of my journey.  I wear it for those that are hearing those words for the first time now.  I don’t just wear it for breast cancer as I am significantly aware of how others cancers (like stomach) and others will affect my life.  Other cancers that took my dad and my grandparents.

Today I also say thank you to all of the people that have supported me for the last year.  I want you to know that from the view of a cancer survivor the support of family and friends is the glue that helps us keep it together.  For all of you that have held someone’s hand or just let them cry, you are important.  Thank you.

Caring Bridge Comments

Lorelie|Mar 19, 2015 10:18pm
You are amazing! Thank you for sharing your journey