Cody Updates by Mom

A year ago today, I was sitting in this chair.  It was much earlier than it is now as I was unable to sleep.  It was around five in the morning and my unsettled mind won over my need for sleep.  I was writing about the day coming up.  My first chemo session.  Last night I went back to that day and reread my two posts.  I cried.  Not only for all the spelling and grammar mistakes that were spattered throughout but my post reminded me where my head was that day.  It seems so long ago.

I was scared.  The unknown of what was going to happen when I got my chemo scared me.  Chemo is such a frightening thing to go through.  It kills not only the cancer but also the good cells.  Even though it was scary, I didn’t break.  I am here today and I am a survivor.  I, however, am still scared but just of different things.  I have written before that I believe fear has a place in our lives and it can help us focus on what is important.  Today my fears are more around the other people in my life.  I am scared that I have passed down the bad gene to my son.  He has already said that if he tests positive that he would elect to have the surgery and will use me as his guide.  He makes me so very proud when he sounds so much like an adult however it breaks my heart that he has to consider this future.  I am also scared that my brothers kids will have this same situation to deal with.

I was angry.  This time of year is supposed to be a happy time.  Jim’s and Cody’s birthdays, our wedding anniversary and the start of our gig season with the band.  I am still angry but with a different focus.  I again had issues that threatened to overshadow the happy times this spring.  This time my anger of this situation is focused on not letting my fear or my current situation take away my happy times.  I will prevail and will come out on top!  We will be happy even if I have to beat it into everyone.  Well, that might be a little drastic but you get my drift.

I was humbled.  The outpouring of love and support was so humbling to me.  It continues to be so today.  I am still overwhelmed by all of your support and prayers that I cannot ever express my gratitude in any words that seem sufficient.  I am good an handling things.  I can manage through my situation and use my focus to get me through.  I am not so good at stopping and asking God for his grace or even asking for strength.  The fact that so many of you helped by doing that for me still brings the sting of unshead tears.

I was a bit annoyed at God.  I wanted to know why.  Why me, why now, why.  I can say that last week I was fairly annoyed with my situation in the hospital.  Since sleep was not more than an hour at a time, I spent a lot of time pleading with God and begging him to just make it stop.  Again, I wanted to know why.  Why me, why now, why.

I do not celebrate this day as a good or even bad day but remember where I have been, look at where I am now and refocus at where I am going.  I remember the fears that had gripped me this morning a year ago.  I remember writing the technical stuff after I got home from my first session.  What it was like and how the day went.  Little did I know that my journey would prove to have larger mountains to climb than a little chemo treatment.  Cancer tried to beat me, I won.  Chemo tried to break me, I won.  This stomach crap doesn’t even got a chance!

A quick update.  I am back at work and doing pretty well.  The pain on the inside of my esophagus has dissipated and I am able to eat without discomfort.  This is great as the opening is now bigger than it has been since all this started and it is time to get some eating on!  I am having grilled cheese, pizza, cookies, you name it, I am eating it.  You just never know what you will not be able to get down in the future.  🙂  I thought I had actually gained a whole pound back after the hospital but unfortunately as I got back to work and being up and about I am back down.  I am at the 40 pound mark right now.  My goal over the next months is to get five of those pounds back.  I bought jeans, dang it, and I am not doing it again!

I am still pretty tired at the end of the work day and after doing any type of exertion.  Slowing down is so very hard for me and being forced to is fairly torturous but I am learning.  Each day I feel more and more like me and I am looking forward to that day I wake up and know that I have fully recovered from my stint with the stent.  Until then, I will keep eating and resting to make sure I continue to heal.

Friday I see Dr. Kendrick and we will discuss any next steps that he would want.  He has mentioned in the past that they can inject a steroid into the scar tissue to help it heal quicker in the open state.  We will see if that is on the table or will we simply wait this out and see if the 4.5 days was sufficient to keep my stricture from forming.  I certainly hope so!!!!

Caring Bridge Comments

Lorelie|Apr 29, 2015 4:32pm
Congratulations on your journey this past year – and what a journey it has been!! You really are a survivor!