Cody Updates by Mom

There are so very many times that “the scare” can happen in our lives.  It’s that knot in the center of your being that causes you to turn inward.  It causes the brain to go into overdrive.  “Something is wrong with me, a loved one or ____” (you fill in the blank).  We have all been there at some point.  That little bit of something, that sits in the back of our minds, slowly pulling the joy and energy from our inner beings.

Now, if this was like watching a scary movie then there would eventually be that time where you know the ending.  You would get almost numb to the scare because it happens so many times.  Unfortunately, in life, at least my life, that is not the case.  “The scare” is a very real and very lonely place to be.

You may be wondering why I am writing about this.  Well, just recently, I have been dealing with “the scare”.  You see, I have been having pain in my left breast for about two months.  At first, I just thought I was my implant causing issues.  The pain didn’t go away.  Then it seemed like it was swelling.  Well, then my brain moved into this odd fight.  “Things are not good” – “It’s fine, its just the implant” – “The cancer is back.” – “I don’t want to do this anymore.”  I think you get the picture.

After this taking over my being for a couple weeks we ended up basically stopping life due to my mother-in-laws final days.  My follow up with my oncologist was pushed out two weeks so we could handle the funeral.  I waited until after the funeral to let Jim know about my issue.  Yep, now I have brought him into “the scare”.  Of course, there was much discussion about “not waiting” – “you should have told me sooner” – “now what?”.

As always, Dr. McCormack listens and is very understanding of my issues.  He was able to tell that the area was harder to the touch but admitted that he would have never suspected it if I hadn’t told him about the pain.  Since there was pain, since I have already beat cancer once, on to the breast center I went to get an appointment for an ultrasound.  Luckily, there was an opening right away and within an hour I was told that there was no mass, no cells that looked like they were headed to the dark side and everything looked good.  Actually, the report says “no suspicious findings.”  Whew!

In the end, it is likely that the implant and radiation is causing the discomfort I am feeling.  If the pain and discomfort do not get better on their own (typically they do not) then I will get into the plastic surgeon to determine if I need to have something done to make it more comfortable.

So, for the past two months I have been living in “the scare”.  Worried that my cancer had come back but also worried that if I run to the doctor at every pain that they will think I am crazy.  What I learned, is that the stress of living in “the scare” is worse than if they did think I was crazy.  Realistically, I am likely fairly crazy but in a good, funny way (I think). 🙂  Living with “the scare” impacted my happiness, my ability to function at home and work, and my overall wellbeing.

I know that cancer is not the only thing that can cause “the scare”.  I have seen it eat people alive by their worry about what could be.  I have to continue to teach my inner voice that I need to know facts before it decides what is wrong with me.  Don’t google symptoms, don’t assume I know based on a gut feel (even though I really can’t have that anymore) and absolutely don’t ever walk this path alone.

Due to all this fun, I get to see the oncologist in 6 months, not 12.  That is okay because I would rather know that things are still good than be wondering.  Other than that, all of my blood work is good and there is nothing wrong with me.  You know, physically, as in cancer.  Never mind, my family will understand.  🙂

Thank you for listening and my hope is that none of you are in “the scare”!