Cody Updates by Mom

To start, I do hope that all of you had a blessed Christmas and that the new year will bring you peace.

This holiday season has been a tough one for many that I know and quite honestly, even me.  So many of those friends have dealt with so much pain.  Loss of a loved one is the toughest to overcome.  Whether it be a parent, child, friend, a dream or even the daily job is something that can cause a happy season to be tough.

A couple words have been spending a lot of time in my mind.  Guilt is one.  Guilt is such a debilitating feeling.  It weighs us down.

Growing up Catholic, guilt is such a part of my makeup that it could even be a node in my DNA string.  I think that is why I tend to shy away from church now.  I look around and see that guilt tends to be a central portion of the make up of many of the people I know.  Like stress, it is a silent killer.  I think that it is even more negatively impactful than stress.  This year has been riddled with the thoughts of guilt.

Those things that we should have done before losing someone tend to stay with us forever.  Not being there on a last day, not calling, not visiting, not helping when we could.  It is all around us, this guilt, and society calls us to wear it as a robe of shame for all to see.  It is a bell ringing reminder.

I am guilty of allowing guilt to guide my path.  Feeling guilty about the fact that I beat cancer when so many have not, is a common feeling for me.  Feeling guilty when my medical crap impacts the lives of those around me, is very common for me.  I always have good intentions during holiday meals.  The plan is that I will snack all day while cooking and keep a level of nutrition that is more than normal.  The reality is much different.  This year all was going well until we sat down to eat.  I grabbed a plate and ate with the family.  Twenty minutes later I was downstairs, laying down because I ate too fast.  Another ten minutes later I was expelling the food that I had just taken in.  So much for plans.  My evening was spent knowing that others did the clean up work that I intended because I wasn’t able to manage my eating.  Ugh.  Guilt.  This is just an example of the guilt that can overtake the soul.

I did well for a while this year but eventually that little dark spot made its way into my heart this year.  That little spot that causes the lights to fade to dull that causes the laughter to be fake and the smiles to be forced.  I believe that many people have this happen but no one really wants to talk about it.

This year, I spent a lot of time thinking about life.  My life.  My failures.  What could I have done to be a better mother?  A better step-mom?  A better daughter?  A better sister?  A better me?  So many things that I could have done…better.  Isn’t that the crux of who we are?  We always can be better.  We always can be more than what we are.  Why are we never satisfied with who we are?  Why are we always a little less?  This year, these questions were so very prominent.  This was the first year for Jim without his mom.  What could I have done different to make it easier?  I am certain there was much more that I could have done…better.  The guilt of things that I cannot understand seem to be prevalent.

Life lessons for our family were abundant this year.  Things needed to be said but weren’t.  Words rattled around in the brain like marbles but hid beneath the covers when the time was right.  Words that needed to be in the light, hid from it in the darkness of the corners of our minds.  The monsters under the bed held those words close like a wet blanket on a cold day.  The words were never said.  Guilt that they couldn’t be said but should.  Guilt that they had to be said in the first place.  Guilt that life causes so many examples to what we can do better but we do not seem to learn.

So, this year, I let the guilt in.  I let it take over and take hold of my soul.  I want you to know that I didn’t give up.  I took a break.  It doesn’t mean that I cannot break free of it but it is a harder mountain to climb than you think.  It is a fight between the light and the dark that would make Luke and Darth think they are playing a simple game of tic-tac-toe.  The game that no one can win.  Yet, I still play the game.

I wish I could give a solid answer to how to get over this spot in life.  I don’t know.  I just know that it is something that takes time, it takes determination and it takes strength.  I see the little dark spot in my soul but there is a small light just out side of my vision.  Reminding me of the good in my soul.  Reminding me that I have beaten things bigger than this and can prevail.  As long as I do not let that light fade, I should be good.

The other word that has been rattling around my brain is forgiveness.  In the end, I believe that this is the key to so many of our needs.  We can forgive ourselves for not being perfect.  But who decided what is perfect?  The media?  Magazines?  Who frames our vision of what is right?  Letting that go is the key to survival.  Forgiving ourselves for being taken in by that is good.

I am done with thinking that I need to be a certain way to be ok.  If my normal brain cannot get there then I will just have to force it.  I am me.  I am broken.  I am imperfect.  I am flawed.  I am me and I am ok.  I am me.