Cody Updates by Mom

What will happen the day after tomorrow?  I honestly do not know.  I am watching the Hollywood movie right now as I think about all that is going on in life.  It is crazy to think about the future and what it holds.  The things that could happen tomorrow or the day after that will change a path that we are on.  People that will no longer be here, paths that will change and lives that will be forever adjusted.  I wish I could find the silly meme that was posted when we had the big MN deep freeze where “the day after” was crossed out and only “tomorrow” was there.  No biggie.

I know that many of you are not here to ponder the future days with me.

You are looking for an update or information on things.  So, here goes that.

Oddly enough my 4 year anniversary without a stomach came and went with little celebration or discussion.  It is a pretty big deal for me to let life go by without celebrating the milestones that come and go.  With all that is happening in life it is simply too much to add a celebration for things that in the end, mean so very little.  What I have lost in the past is so very small compared to what I am losing in the present.

Today I had the wonderful opportunity to spend a few hours with my mom.  I also had a chance to spend the day with her a few weeks ago.  Life is so very unfair.  The woman that was so vibrant is struggling to find the words to hold a conversation.  Her mind, so very sadly, is bringing her back to the early 50’s when her cousin, her best friend, was drafted into the Korean war and did not make it home.  It is so heartbreaking to experience her love of someone so close and the fear of him going to war.  Then watching as her mind reminds her that he died.  The tears that follow and the sadness in her face can break a heart into small pieces.  She knows who I am but doesn’t understand that last week he was not here.  My own memory is brought to when my mother-in-law sat with a doll and cried because she could not understand why her mom and dad left her alone.  This future is not one that I would have ever wanted for the woman that raised me.

I cannot help but feel anger toward a disease that is so harsh and the inability to fight it.  There is no pill or chemo or treatment to stop it.  There is nothing that can be done.  It is unfair.

To have your memory go back in time but your sight and your day to day interactions know that you are really not there.  So very not fair.

If you have any time to spend with my mom it would be greatly appreciated.  She is struggling and may not be able to converse normally but the fact that you are there will help and help calm her.  It will also give a small needed break to my sister in the constant caregiving that she provides daily.

What is also unfair are those that are taken from us too soon.  Our friend Sue is a new angel in heaven and will be so missed on this earth.  Her family and friends had to say goodbye so much sooner than we ever wanted.  Her light has joined the many in the sky but the world just seems a little dimmer.

In the end, life seems to be getting the best of us, at least those around me.  I am ready for a bit of sun and the cold winds to stop their painful reminder of things I cannot change.  As with the end of the movie, it is okay to be a survivor.  It is not a word that I have wanted to wear.  I wanted to conquer and own my victory but sometimes I have to accept the fact that it is okay to merely survive.  Survive to see what the day after tomorrow brings.  Just maybe the sign of this cardinal in a snow storm is a bit of hope for tomorrow and the rest of the tomorrows to come.

Thank you all for your continued prayers and thoughts for my family.  We are eternally grateful for your presence in our lives.