Recently, I have had a multitude of experiences of the emptiness of when someone is gone. It is overwhelming when you think of a person that has been there for you, day in and day out, and they are no longer there. This has been very clear to me over the last few days.
My dear friend lost her husband this last week. I cannot imagine the sorrow and pain the encapsulates you when that one person that you love is gone. I can, however understand the pain. My love, prayers and really anything I can send to her and her family is headed their way. If you can send a prayer to their healing it would be greatly appreciated. A sudden loss is so very difficult to work through.
This weekend was very complicated as I walked through the days. We had an opportunity to mend a hole between two very awesome people and good friends. It was an amazing and healing time. In the end, I left with forever friends and I saw a hole that was in my other half, heal. I cannot be more grateful.
The downfall is that my mom thought for the weekend that I was dead. I got a message about this situation over the weekend and even though I heard back that they were able to calm her down, it was still an issue for me. In my mothers mind, I was dead. She cried for me. I know that this is a result of her not taking her meds, however, it is a new thing for me to really think about the impact of my passing on my mom. I know that it was likely devastating. I have had multiple times where I was not sure that I would make it through, but I did. I have found a level of stubbornness that would make anyone blush. I am not going to be gone anytime soon.
Sorry but I have to…
I realize that there are many reasons and reactions that could have happened to the realization that my mom thought I was dead.. I am really unsure how to feel. I know that I love my mom beyond words and I do not ever want her to ever worry about me. I know that it is the disease and the meds that cause this. On Friday, my mom had a small moment of clarity at the Neurologist where the realization of this disease was clear and the impact of this on our family was clear. The depression was then very real. She never wanted this type of ending to her life. It was fleeting but it was there. I have seen this before with Jim’s mother and the clarity times actually were very saddening and overwhelming.
In the end, my mother is not going to be able to bypass the genetic part of this disease. However, I can continue to make her last days okay. I can help her be calm and ensure that her meds will help her to have a calm final days. We will continue to ensure that her last days are the best that they can be and that we can help her just be. The person that she was has made its way to her past. We are hopeful hat she will have a calm and loving end to her life.
I love my mother from here to eternity. I respect the lessons that she taught me. I understand the utter pain of the loss she has felt over time. If you want to understand the strength of life then you understand my mom. She is being strong even though she may not see it.
Thank you all for your prayer and thoughts. We appreciate them all!
Cody Updates by Mom 
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