Cody Updates by Mom

Tonight my mother is making the next leg of the journey.  She is going to be admitted to a hospital that has a geriatric psych facility.  This is step two in the process that we started on Tuesday.

Even though leaving my mother at the ER was the worst day of my life so far, knowing that she is going to be hours away with a ton of people I don’t know is also extremely hard.

As today went on, I realized that the hope of having my mother near was not going to happen.  I had to give my approval for them to place her outside of the greater metro area this morning.  I also had to give approval for them to start looking in other states if needed.  I know that what we are doing is right but the details of the things that I am approving are daunting.  I feel that I am playing D&D with a Dungeon Master that is not right in the head.  I keep rolling the dice but my health is too low to keep going.  I am trusting in the process and the fact that this is our only option.

My mother has been not only difficult with the staff at the ER but she has been aggressive and physically abusive.  My mother would be mortified with this and I know that.  I know that she never wanted this and she never intended for us to deal with this.  I love her to death and I mean that.  I will be here until she breathes her last breath.  I just want the final days to be comfortable.

I know that I signed up for and agreed that I would be my mothers voice when hers was gone.  I am dedicated to that and will continue to be that.  However, it is killing me inside.  The knowledge that a single decision that is made could either lengthen or shorten her days here with us is hard.  In the end, I want her last days to not be horrible.  I know that recently they have been really bad.  I know that the decision to start this path is causing her pain.  I know that she (my before mom) would understand and that she would not be angry with me that it is happening.  I still know that right now, she is alone, scared, mostly sedated and I cannot be there to help bear the weight.  I am having trouble reconciling that.  I am supposed to the “putter-together-er”.  That has always been my roll.  I cannot seem to put these pieces together correctly.  I just sit here and know that I am no longer in charge and no longer responsible for her safety.  I don’t, honestly, know how to handle that.

For now, I have to trust the process.  I have to realize that I am not in control of this process and I have to be okay with that.

My mother is going to be admitted to the geriatric psych facility in Litchfield, MN.  This was one of the only facilities that had a bed available for an aggressive Alzheimer’s patient.  We are hopeful that they will be able to get the meds right and evaluate her effectively to ensure that her final place in a memory facility is correct.

Thank you everyone for your prayers, your good thoughts and your support.  It means so much to all of us.  I ask for a peaceful end to my mother’s time here on earth and that she is able to be with my dad in the near future.  The beautiful woman in the picture below deserves the best ending to a wonderful life that we can offer.  I love her to death and know that my dad is patiently waiting for her to come home.

Love you all!!!