Cody Updates by Mom

Memories. It is truly a piece of the lens that we see the world through. Over this last year of craziness, memories have been hard. I am thankful that my mother has not had to live through these times, in a world that doesn’t make sense, even without having Alzheimer’s. Though memories, seem to be what we have as we distance ourselves from each other and spend more time alone than ever.

I am not writing to talk about the world or really anything about today. Last week, something happened that has changed me. It has forced me to really peer inside. It has helped me ground myself when I was losing my clarity. I am amazed at how one small thing can change a course.

This situation has also started me down a path of thinking about all of the real things that have happened in my life that have adjusted and changed me, good or bad. There will be more thinking about that later.

So, what happened? A dream.

A dream that was so real, so perfect so healing that I cannot shake it. I remember it clearly, as if it really happened. I remember every feeling I had.

In my dream, I was in an airport. I do not know where I was going but I do know that I was going somewhere. [I think that is important but haven’t landed exactly on why or what it means.] I am not walking though. I am standing in one of the long hallways that you take to your gate. [I do not know why I wasn’t moving, but I do have thoughts on this as well.]

People are rushing by me from behind, going around me. People are walking at me, heading to some unknown place. Then, the most amazing image. My father. He was there walking toward me. He was so healthy looking. He was just as I remember before the cancer. He had a beard, wearing a hat and jacket and was walking right at me. I called out to him and he looked right at me. The smile he gave me lit up his whole face and I ran to him. The feeling of love that I had and felt was so strong. He enveloped me in his arms and I woke up.

My eyes woke to my bedroom with Jim sleeping softly next to me. The familiar sounds of the house, the fan, pulled me back to reality. My heart was racing but calm at the same time. The alarm goes off and I go on my way.

Its been a good five days since that dream. I can still see him, clear as day, smiling and showing me his love. Oddly, it is appropriate even though my father never really showed his love. It wasn’t really until the end when he knew his days were numbered that he voiced his love.

I was 23 when my dad died. He missed so much of who I am today. His birthday was this last week and though this dream happened after that, I know that I intentionally didn’t tell anyone about the day. I kept to my thoughts.

Now, recently, I think I had stalled. I was no longer going in a direction that I knew. I wasn’t lost but wasn’t moving either. My goal is to use this fake memory as a light for myself to continue move forward and find my way. I will always remember this dream!