Cody Updates by Mom

Life…and

So many things have been happening to cause the “I do not matter” psyche. I have been on a journey to change my inner thinking about life. It is working for me even though it is difficult. It is not easy, and I will attest to the fact that I have to remind myself daily about how I think. I want to share but also know that others may be in a different “I do not matter” situation that is different. Everyone’s journey is their own.

I have had a lot of time to think about how I think. It is hard to describe but there is a part of thinking that is detrimental to our being. I am slowly unraveling that from my life. It is very hard. I will not sugar coat that. It is, however, freeing as well. I am learning to be more healthy in my mind.

Comparison. I stopped comparing my life to others. My life is no harder, less harder, more productive or less important. It is interesting to me that we (as a society) have gone to the point of needing some sort of validation that we are ok to be a part of the world.

It is so easy to think that if someone doesn’t respond to my message that I am having a hard time, that they do not care. It is not productive to assume that everyone can be a support person at all times. I have seen so many posts about the fact that a person says, “I will be there” and then they cannot because of a situation that has arisen. I learned that if I need help, I need to ask. If help is not readily available, then I need to adjust what I need to do. I am solely responsible for me.

I do not want people to take this as a copout, however, as a realigning how we look at life. No one can fix our life. No one can fix our brains. No one can adjust how we align with the world. They can support but cannot be a replacement for our understanding.

So why am I writing?? I just had a great conversation with my kid about this and the understanding of how to move away from this type of thinking. Move away from the comparison of life to others. How to “BE”.

I could say that I am a cancer survivor, I could focus on the fact that I do not have a stomach due to CDH1. I could look at the fact that I am the youngest of seven. I could say that it is because my father died in 94 and my mom had Alzheimer’s that I am who I am. In the end, I am here because of everything that has happened in my life. I am unique, as you all are. Noone has the same life, and no one can understand yours. Understanding that is key to being free of comparison. No one will be able to walk in your shoes. When you see that then you can stop thinking that they should.

So here is the real reason for my message. I am me. I am not perfect. I am not 100% sane. I love my kids. I love my job (finally) and I am good with life. I drink too much and likely need something to help me sleep at night. I have MANY faults, but I welcome them as they are a part of me. I will never be what you want. I will be me.