Cody Updates by Mom

I haven’t written for awhile and I can tell you that it gets to be a deep itch to get in front of the computer and be me.  I apologize up front for the fact that this may be a little odd and very off-course.  It’s been a long summer and my brain needs to shed some of its creative juice if I am to continue to function.

I would like to say up front that a grieving process is a very serious topic.  I hope that you don’t mind a little different look at the day-to-day grieving that a “gutless” one will endure.

During my daily life I have found that being stomach-less I tend to go through the stages of grief on a different level and on a more regular basis.  As you know the stages can be achieved in any order and even though you may have reached “acceptance”, it is easy to fall back.  Let me bring you through a day in my gutless “King”dom.

Bargaining:

It seems that whether I have a stomach or not I always start my day with bargaining.  Let’s see how many of you have had these conversations.

• “10 more minutes sleep.  I can take a quicker shower or skip drying/washing my hair.”
• “If I could sleep for the next 12 hours I know I could turn things around be 150% efficient all of the time.”
• “I can wait until the alarm goes off to pee.  I don’t need to do that 15 minutes prior to the alarm.  If I turn over it will go away.”
• My Favorite: “If I could just lay here for 5 more minutes I will get up, I don’t need the alarm to remind me.”

No matter what, one of these (or something close) is a daily occurrence.  With being stomach-less, bargaining becomes a daily conversation.

• “I just had some almonds so I should be able to have this donut.  I have been good all day!”
• “If I can just get through this week, I promise to get more sleep, water and food.”

Denial:

This one is a biggie.  Even after 2.5 years I still have those moments.  Actually, it is worse as I get to a more routine with life.  I will have to work on this.  As I have read others that are blogging about being without their stomach, I have noticed that this is a common theme.

• “I just had some almonds so I should be able to have this donut (with lemon filling), right?.”
• “I don’t need to eat at this moment.”
• “I will remember to eat as I go through 8 meetings or work on the house for a 14 hour day.”
• “I am super-woman and can do all, be all and conquer the world” (okay that has nothing to do with the stomach but seems to be a common thing that I experience on a regular basis.)
• “I can have just a little more.  It tastes so yummy”
• “I can manage fully without anyone else having to change or even know that I have a different eating regimen.”
• “I don’t need reminders for my vitamins.”
• “I don’t need help.”  Yikes!  My biggest issue is thinking that I never need help.
• “If I just keep eating this food my system will eventually learn to digest it.”
• “The tiredness will go away if I can just get a little more sleep.”
• On a bad day:  “They really didn’t take out my stomach, they just did some medical tom-foolery to make me think they did and I can eat and drink anything I want.” Haha

Anger:

Anger is an interesting emotion.  It will resonate in so many different ways through life and around food it is a personal, deep feeling.  For those that know me, you may be surprised that anger comes as a normal item that is suppressed on the surface on a daily basis.

• “For God’s sake, I work for DQ Corporate and I don’t have a stomach.  Are you freaking kidding me?!”
• “Of course I would like to come to your taste test on the molten lava cake but I think the hour I would spend in the bathroom may hurt me a bit in the “getting things done” arena.”
• “Oh, a noon meeting without food again, let me just find some nutrients laying around to absorb and get through.”
• “A Chinese buffet sounds great.  Will they let me have a doggie bag?  Of course not.  Ugh.”
• Dumping: The process of your intestines deciding that you have had too much sugar or carbs.  Be ready for sweating, shaking, diarrhea and lots of fun! Not.
• “Managing the no more than 4 ounces of liquid a half hour before and an hour after eating will allow me to get enough water in a day!  Not!”
• “$^#$%$ this!  I will eat whatever I want and they can take their “recommendations” and shove them….”

Depression:

To be more serious, depression is a very real piece of the puzzle.  It is hard to continue to be motivated, upbeat, positive and continuing to move forward.  I have had so many moments where I don’t think that I can go on.  So many times we focus on what has happened to us instead of how we are going to live.  I have been there so many times.  It is like those thoughts are right on the edge of my being that at any moment they can overwhelm and take over.  It takes a constant focus on the future to keep the perspective that this is the right choice.

• “Why did this happen to me?”
• “Why did God give me this challenge?”  We can chat later on this because I truly believe that life happens and God gives us strength.  My God didn’t give me cancer.
• “What would happen if I just didn’t try?  Would it really be that bad?”
• “I am tired of constantly thinking about my health and tracking my food/nutrition intake.”
• “I feel that tiredness is my new normal and I don’t like it.”

Acceptance:

Acceptance is typically the last stage.  I have found that acceptance will come and go as my ability to deal comes and goes.  What does acceptance mean?  For me, it means that I have been able to let go of those things that are weighing me down.  It means that I see the positive and am able to continue to move on.

• “Not having sugar is more important than not being here.”
• “I will show my kids what it means to really fight and never give up.”
• “I will succeed no matter what is put in front of me.”
• “I am not sick, just a little different.”
• “I am a mutant and proud of it!”
• “I can do this and prove that you can LIVE without a stomach!”

Rinse and Repeat:

I thought that after this long that things would just be routine.  For those on the outside looking in they seem to be.  I have to think about my eating and nutrition non-stop and quite honestly, it is annoying.  I don’t want to.  I don’t want to have to have my phone tell me that I am on vitamin set 4.  So, we go through the process and get to acceptance on a daily basis and am okay with the life I have.

In the end…

• I am happy to be here
• I have my bad days but have more good days
• I have a support system that it top notch and I couldn’t ask for me
• I am grateful for the opportunity to be able to use my experience to help others
• I am blessed