Cody Updates by Mom

I have been thinking a lot about labels.  I understand the want to remove labels but I have been more thinking about how it would be if I simply accept them and just be me without worrying how a label may impact me.

How am I labeled?  Well, there are quite a few but some are below.

Mom/Step-Mom.  I am significantly proud of each of my kids and love them to pieces.  I love so many individual things about each of them and am blessed to have them all in my life.  Wife.  I am not sure how well I do at this but it is one of my labels that I wear proudly.  I am stubborn, smart mouthed at times and a bit of a “red headed” tempered wife.  Divorced.  Yep, the first time around didn’t end as intended.  I am pleased that we were able to look past our issues and be good at being parents.  In the end, Cody knew that both his parents loved him very much.  That is what is important.

Depressed.  Yep, it is one of my labels.  I am not ashamed about it either.  It has been more prevalent over the last few months but has been around for awhile.  I take happy pills everyday.  Yes, I am medicated and many of you are thinking…thank God!  It helps me not be so tired and it helps me to function on a daily basis.  I couldn’t get past the overwhelming tiredness that was impacting my daily life.  These help.  I have also had some significant situational depression as of late.  I have two specific issues that I am trying to figure out.  1. Pain in my abdomen.  This week I go for my 2nd CT scan and expect nothing new.  The first one and the scope came back as negative.  No one knows why I have pain in my lower left abdomen.  Local doctors think it is my surgeries, Mayo doesn’t see anything.  Ugh.  More testing and more money.  Good news is that I should hit my deductible by March so the rest of the year is covered, yippee (sarcasm).   2. Joint pain and tiredness.  I have had a year of pain.  It has been times of debilitating joint pain throughout my body where it is simply too much to even think.  Again, blood work is normal for the most part and no physical signs of issues.  They were able to see Osteoarthritis in my hands, shoulders and knees.  I did have a small explanation with a blood test that had a weak positive for Rheumatoid Arthritis but the doc says it isn’t a positive diagnosis so we are just going to “watch it”.  More doctors and appointments.  This made me think of the few friends that I have that have fibromyalgia.  I cannot imagine the process that they went through to finally get to a point of a diagnosis.  My heart and awe goes out to all of you.  I cannot even imagine what you have been through.  I have had moments of almost giving up.  Letting my life just be a life of pain and tiredness that I cannot control.  Luckily my support group will not allow that and helps to lift me up when I am not strong enough to rise.  I will say that if you need that support group and don’t have it, let me know.  We all need people in our corner that will lift us and push us to being the best us we can be.  We all have stuff to get through and doing it alone is very lonely.

Survivor? Warrior? Fighter?  What I am, I have not landed on.  Survivor to me means that the cancer was in control.  Warrior was what I tried to be but fighter is more accurate.  I fought and for this round, I won.  It is the focus of trying to be “that” for things that are not as big as cancer that is the hardest part.  How do I continue to be a fighter when I have to think about food every minute of every day?  How do I fight pain that no one can explain?  How do I fight the ever strengthening urge to give up?  Sometimes I feel that my will to continue to fight is waning.  Then the stubbornness starts to sink in and I get my fight back.  Don’t worry, I won’t give up.  Whatever you are dealing with?  Don’t give up.  Don’t stop fighting for what you need to do.  Be Xena the warrior princess!!!!!  I can be Xena!

Sarcastic.  I had to include this because I am fluent in sarcasm and it is part of my overall religion.  Really, how can I go through life without this?  I cannot cry at everything so sarcasm and laughter must take over.  Ask those that deal with me on a day to day basis.  This is a label that I not only take but probably embrace it more than I should.  😉

Mutant.  One of the interesting conversations that I had was with Sheila my NP at Mayo.  I told her that I was a mutant and she said that she didn’t want to call me that.  She was serious too.  I looked at her and said…”I was hoping that I would have an X-Men type power being a mutant, so I am okay with it.”  What is it like being a mutant?  I know that at least with this genetic mutation, I know what it can do and I can prevent it.  That is unlike a lot of the other crap I have been dealing with.  Not knowing is way worse.  I think that there are more mutants out there than anyone knows.  Embrace the mutation!  I will let you all know what my super power is when I find it.  🙂

Friend.  One of the most important labels that I have is this.  As a parent, wife, co-worker or sibling the most important thing I can be is a friend.  I know that there are many times I am not very good at this.  I do not call when I should.  I do not find time to be there.  I can say that if you call and say “I need help” that I will be there.  I may not talk to you daily, monthly or even a few times a year but know that you are all on my mind and I send prayers to you regularly, wishing you the best that can come your way.  You are important and I will work to be a better friend.

Guardian Angel.  This is a new one for me.  I have had the blessing of being able to help others that are going through the same thing as me.  I am more than happy to give any type of information that I have learned.  It is based on my experiences but if it will help, I am happy to help.  Part of sharing my story has been the hope that others can somehow be helped by the things I have dealt with.  One of the wonderful people I have met through all of this is someone that I consider a dear friend.  I was just brought to tears by a note from her saying how I impacted her life by helping through her journey.  She sent me a beautiful guardian angel bracelet.  I have never thought of myself this way but am so very proud that I was able to help.  I wear this bracelet with the knowledge that I helped her through the tough times in life.  That is a wonderful thing and something that I am most proud of.  I continue to believe that my father is my guardian angel watching over me and likely shaking his head every now and then.

So today I embrace my labels.  I am me and happy to be me.  Mom, step-mom, wife, daughter, sister, friend, depressed, survivor, fighter, friend, guardian angel, sarcastic, co-worker, manager, mentor, mutant, frustrated pain bearer, customer, and so on.  These never make me less, they make me who I am.  Love your label and be free!