Cody Updates by Mom

Tomorrow is March 2nd.  Tomorrow is my dad’s birthday.

If he was still here with us he would be turning 86.  He left us at 62.  This year is a tough one for me.  This year I stand at a border that I have to cross and can never return.  My father passed when I was 23 and that was 24 years ago.  I have now moved to the stage that I have had more years without my dad then years with him.  It is a very sobering thought.

I have spent a lot of time thinking about this fact this week.  One of my co-workers is saying goodbye to her grandpa tomorrow and I can imagine the sadness that can come with that loss.  I feel that I am at an odd spot but I am constantly reminded that my son will get to this spot much earlier than I.  It makes me appreciate the 23 years that I got with my dad as Cody only had 16.  Then I think of my step kids and the years with their mom were so much less.  We all have loss that scars our souls.  We only hope to be able continue to be.

What does all this mean.  Quite frankly, I have no fricking clue.  I know that it is a time in my life that makes me think more.  It makes me feel more.  It makes me focus more.  I cannot bring any of the parents that have been lost, back.  I cannot change the past that will always be.  I can, however, continue to be the best me I can be.  It isn’t perfect.  It sometimes isn’t pretty and most of all it isn’t necessarily sane.  It is me though.  I will try to show my kids that it is okay to be yourself and that no matter what, you are loved.  I will try to be there for my family as I can.

I will try to make my father proud.  Honestly, I do not know what that would be but I will fill in the blanks as necessary.  I do know that he would be proud that I work at DQ Corp and would be taking advantage of the “Dilly Bar” deal that I get.  I know that he would be proud of my kids (all of them) and would consider all of them, his.  I know that he would be proud that I have a love of the country, camping and hunting.  I know that there are likely things that he would not be proud of but I also know that I really don’t care about those things.

I wish that I could show him the person that I am today.  I wish he could meet my family.  I wish he was here.  However, as he would say…  Wish in one hand and shit in the other and see what one is filled first.  He was a blunt man.

So, Friday – 3/2/18, I celebrate my father.  He scared more people with how he answered the phone than anyone I know.  The delay and then a very low “yes” was all that was said.  I had many-a-friend hang up.  I celebrate the person I knew, 24 years ago.  He was a good person, a strong figure, a person with little to say.  He loved Benny Hill, cribbage, roller coasters and cheap beer.

I do not know what I am trying to say today but I do know that I needed to write.  I needed to share my father with you.  He was a wonderful man and I cannot express the loss that his family feels without him.  He is deeply loved and missed.  This red-headed spit-fire misses you so much.

I know that many of you have lost those special and close people in your lives and I can say that I understand your pain.  I understand the sadness that can take over.  Sometimes the pain can be so bad that you cannot breathe.  Remember that your loved ones would want you to keep living and someday be able to smile when you think of them.  With that thought, I will smile and remember the man that helped to create me and made the person I am today.  Thank you, dad!