Cody Updates by Mom

As I write the title, I know that this will be a difficult process for me to write.  It is important in so many ways, though, to share.

Recently, I broke.  I broke down.  I lashed out.  I lost it.  No matter how many ways you can say it, it all means the same thing.  I broke.  It wasn’t intentional.  It wasn’t a single event.  It was stress over time that finally took me down and a Keurig died.  I will explain later.

Its funny, but also telling, that my son has always joked with me about being super-mom.  To him, that is my title.  I can brave any sickness.  I can fight through it all.  So, when I ask for help opening a bottle or reaching the top cupboard, I get…but I thought you were super-mom with a snarky grin and a laugh.  Mostly, I would relish in the thought that I have made an impact on my son to think that you can get through anything.  It also had an unexpected side effect.  That getting through big problems meant you had to be “super” and that was hard to do.  Right now everything is changing for him and he keeps telling me that he is not as strong as me.  Teaching the strength after you have nothing left is very hard.

Here’s what happened.

Mom:  I am power-of-attorney for my mom and also her health care agent.  I deal with all of the finances and big decision making.  My sister cares for her daily and the two of us make a pretty good team.  We have our skills and we use them.  In the process to get my mother some care, I needed to use my POA to change her beneficiary on her life insurance to the funeral home.  I can say that I have successfully done that and we will soon have daily care for my mom, that is not my sister, that will be paid by the county.  This process, however, involved working with the funeral home, insurance agency and getting my POA paperwork through the system.  Not an easy task but mine to own.  We are also dealing with the fact that my mother has reverted to 15.  She, very much dislikes her father and spends a lot of time crying for people we have not idea who they are.  Hospice is a word that is coming up a lot and mentally, I am preparing for the end.  I know it will be by my decision that she no longer receives the care to live.  I am prepared for that but not really feeling great about it.

Kids:  All three of our kids have gone through major, and I am talking “change of life” major changes this last year.  All of them are doing okay but the process of watching your kids deal with life changes is extremely difficult.  New jobs, new places to live and new challenges.  Add to that, the fact that my son, after starting his new job, got sicker than he had ever been as a child.  Being a mom from the phone when your son needs you is a very difficult place to be.  I am grateful to my brother and his wife for being there and helping him get through it.  We want our kids all to be happy and successful in their own way but worry about them daily.

Work:  I have a good and steady job.  It is, however, exceptionally stressful.  I am one of a few people that are working on the largest project our company has ever done.  We are scrutinized daily and have to deal with unhappy people regularly.  Our group is actually one of the least liked in the company as we have the power to hire people and get resources that other departments cannot.  This project is high priority, high visibility and high cost if it doesn’t work.  Please don’t get me wrong, I do love what I do and the people that I work with.  The overall complexity of what we are doing and the need to be accurate feels impossible on a good day and [whatever word is bigger than impossible] on a bad day.  We are a team and push through the critiques of what we do and continue to strive for the way to make it right.

What happened:  Jim and I went camping.  Our goal was to detach, unplug and relax.  Unfortunately, there was a need to release as well.  We were out by the fire, had a few drinks and enjoying the cool night air.  Then I did something not quite right with the fire and was corrected on it.  That ended up to be the last straw.  I broke.  Temper flared in red-headed glory that could not be pulled in.  I knew it was happening but couldn’t stop it.  Everything that had been giving me stress roared to the top and burst into a rage that I have never felt.  As Jim tried to calm me, my frustration rose.  Finally, I stormed into the camper and the poor Keurig was sitting on the counter.  Within moments it flew across the camper and fell to pieces.  Release.  Then remorse.  We now have no coffee.

After all of this happened Jim and I put the Keurig back together enough to have coffee in the middle of the night.  I am grateful for his love and his ability to help me.  Unfortunately, there were pieces that didn’t find a home so I have now replaced it with a new one.  It was the least I could do.  I also called my doctor and asked to be put back on my anti-depressants.  Life is too short to have this kind of break and not get help.  It has only be a few days but I have hope that I will get some relief from this stress.

Why am I sharing something so personal?  I have people in my life that are currently dealing with depression.  They are struggling to ask for help or to even get help when they ask.  Depression, whether it is situational, chemical or just there, is real.  It is okay to say, I am broken and need help.  It is okay to have a medication to help you through.  We take supplements for vitamins and meds to deal with headaches and stomachaches but we shy away from those that help us be balanced.

In this, I hope that if you are not okay that you reach out, talk to someone, get some help and please keep the Keurig’s safe from a disastrous end.  God knows that life cannot go on without coffee.