Cody Updates by Mom

Over the last months, everything that I do is about my mom.  I am constantly trying to understand what I need to know to do right by her.  I am her POA and her health care agent.  It means that I make the decisions now that she cannot.  It is not a place that I would recommend for others.  It is also not what I thought I would be doing at this point in my life.  It is so easy to get sucked into the world of doing everything for everyone else.

Tonight, I had a message in my messenger from someone that is having their TG (total gastrectomy) next week.  It was nice to chat and understand her fear and be able to give my experience without expectation of fixing something.  It caused me to pause and think.

 

Even though I thoroughly enjoyed the time with my brother and sister-in-law, I did not leave the weekend as relaxed as I had hoped.  Life continues and it is still stressful to be me.  I have been doubting myself a lot lately.  Doubting my ability to be a mom, my ability to be a support system for others, my ability to function at my job and my ability to make the right decisions for my mom.  All of that weight was like a wet blanket over my life.

Tonight, I met someone that knows some of my path.  She is in a similar place.  So far, she beat cancer and has this mutation that is like having a umbrella over your life that can take over.

So.  I am stressed.  Life, job, family, kids, mom, life, work, stress and life.  I am trying to be all and handle all.  I am failing at this on a colossal scale.

Now what?  Well, I own up to my situation and really look at me.  I cannot be everything to everyone.

I had a whole bunch of blood work done because I have been having these odd “Charlie horse” feelings in my midsection.  I have always had them in my legs but when your whole torso goes into it, it is a different deal.  It is debilitating and very difficult to deal with.  Unfortunately and fortunately, my blood work (as usual) came back as normal.  This means that nothing is wrong however there is no clear reason why it is happening.  I get at least one a week.  It is most detrimental when I am at work or in the car.

I am 5 years past my cancer and 5 years on tamoxifen.  I have to make a decision on whether I want to go to the new med or not.  I do not know what to do.  I am not sure if the new med is good or bad.  I am so happy for my oncologist because he is the core to my understanding of what is next.  I am thinkin to move to the new med because it gives me additional protection from the cancer coming back.  There are other side effects but I think I just need to see how it goes.

In the end, I am working to get to a point that I can continue to be the person I am and be the person that others need.  The person that I need.

So, tonight.  I am not going to update anyone on much of anything.  I am me.  I am broken.  I am stressed.  I am unhinged.  I am, however, still me.  I thank all of the people in my life that understand and are still there at the end of the day and care about me.  You are treasured!