Cody Updates by Mom

Recently I have had some odd things that have made me think about what it is like to love yourself after you have had cancer.

It is not about not feeling great about surviving, beating or dashing the big C that takes so many.  It is about the knowledge of seeing the scars.  There are so many.  So many things that no one can see.  Scars that impact your everyday that are inside.  Then there are the scars that stare at you everyday

I didn’t share with many that I had surgery last week.  Why?  It was a surgery to help me be okay with me.  Seem normal in a life that is not.  I scheduled this surgery way before I broke my wrist and before my mom died.  I chose to not change it.  I needed this.  Why?  Every day I looked in the mirror and saw that cancer took my left side.  The skin was so thin and so tight from radiation that it was not even close to normal.  It reminded me of the cancer that took so much from my life.  I wanted it back.  I wanted normal that took a surgeon to have.  I wanted to be complete.

I know that many will look at the surgery and the after affects and say “I got what I should”.  Maybe.  I know that I needed this and was not prepared for the after effects.

So what happened?

I had fat grafting.  It was harder and more difficult to get through than a lot of my surgeries.  Some may say that I didn’t need it, you can say your peace and go.  I looked at myself every single day and saw that there was no normalcy going on.  I was broken and uneven.  I would never be ok.  I saw my cancer everyday.  I wanted to see normal breasts and not see the implants that I had to get.

It wasn’t about being sexy or anything other than what had been taken away.  Normal.  It had been stolen from me.  Taken from the way that I thought life should be.  I felt incomplete, unfinished and completely undone.

So, I did it.  It was hard.  I am bruised from upper chest to mid thigh since the surgery.  I have been in pain and been sad.  I don’t know if this is the answer but I know that the person that I was, was incomplete.  I know that those that love me will say “you were enough”.  It is not the same.  I needed to see me.  The old me.  The badass, shit kicking girl that wouldn’t take crap from anyone.  She had been missing and I needed her.

My doctors have been great and helpful.  My hubby has been the most helpful person in the world.  He gets my sadness with what I see and wants me to be me.

No matter why you are dealing with the stress of not being what you want please know that I will never judge you.  Your wellbeing is more important than anyone thinking different.  Personal okayness is the most important okayness to ever be.

This is not the last surgery to fix me but at least I know what to expect.  Those that have been in this and have conquered alone, you have my prayers.  It is hard.  Being bruised like this is a horrible thing.  I feel as if I have been beaten from head to toe.  I know that what I see is a body that is somewhat normal in appearance even though bruised.  I know some may feel this is shallow but it is not.  It is actually deep.

With cancer you lose hair and those around you rejoice when you get it back.  When you lose parts that are “sensitive” then it gets harder to be happy when you get them back.  I would like to say thank you for those that have been there.  No matter the reason or the rhyme, sometimes the support is the most important.

I know, many of you did not have the choice to support.  Why?  I found the people that I shared with didn’t understand.  I know it was not all of you but I was scared.  It was hard.  I am healing and will be fine in the end.  I appreciate you.  Whether you get it or not, I appreciate you.  I wouldn’t be here without the support that I have gotten over the last five plus years.

Thank you!