Cody Updates by Mom

Over the years, I have dealt with small bouts of depression.  Recently, I have found myself in a full-on depression event.  It has lasted for weeks and looking to move into months.  I am trying to understand what is happening to me so I thought I would try to write what I am feeling.  This is not a post of fixing, inspiration or anything but reality today.

Heaviness.

I cannot seem to get out of the feeling that I am hundreds of pounds heavier and I am slowly shuffling through life.  I have found that no matter what I do the heaviness continues to impact my ability to feel anything but desperation.  I walk up the stairs and feel that I may break through.  If I was outside the dirt would cover me completely.

Self Doubt.

Home:  The amount of doubt that has entered me recently is more significant.  I have had moments of feeling like I am a horrible mother and step mother.  My kids struggle and I wonder, what did I not do to help them move to the next stage of being an adult?  Did I do too much?  Did I not do enough?  I do not know.  How do I be the one that is helpful but not an enabler to unhealthiness?  How do I ensure that I do not negatively impact my marriage with my depression?  He knows.  He loves me.  How do I be me?  Me is likely not enough so how do I be more?  I cannot.

Work:  I sit at my desk and think about how I can demote myself to something less to make things better for everyone else?  I do my job but struggle daily to move forward.  I have written daily an email to take a lesser job and let them hire someone else in my spot.  I feel that this is not a bad idea.  I also have an inkling that this is not me.  I have been strong in the past.  Where did that strength go?

Creatively:  I sit at home and look at people drawing from the course I purchased and know that I cannot even get close to what they are doing, so I stop drawing.  How do I understand the process?  I listen to the music that Jim is making in the studio and know that I am not even close to being able to help him creatively.  I cannot bring myself to even sing with him in the last month.  How do I stop the internal message in my head that I will never be enough?

Darkness.

I have found that there is this overall feeling of darkness in my head.  I do not see the happiness for others.  I struggle to see the joy of warmer weather.  My vision seems to have a black halo around it and I cannot seem to stop it.  How can I let the light in?

Pretending.

I spend most of my day pretending that I am ok.  Looking at the ground so when I get approached that I can change the look on my face before addressing anyone.  I have learned that the “most dramatic” thing I got in high school is helpful to pretending that okay-ness is real.  I am amazed at how much pretending can suck even more of your being out of you.  I live this every day.

So I sit here.  Hoping that my writing made me feel better and it didn’t.  I don’t know how to fix this.  I know that there are so many out there that feel the same way.  I don’t feel about to give up but I know that this feeling is real and could get worse if I do not address it.

Depression is real and active for me.  I don’t know how to fix it but I do not want to be silent.  We feel alone in a crowded room, we see sadness in happy pictures and feel heaviness when others feel alive.  We do not know how to move on.  Medication may help but not much.  In the end it is important to work through the mud and crap that I have been crawling through.

If you feel this, please know you are not alone.  I do not have answers but know how it feels.  I am hopeful that there is a point where this moves toward healing.

God, help me to heal.